I am a loser.

Exhibit A: I bought Smurf buttons in the Target dollar section today because one of the buttons says "Who's your papa?" and then has a picture of Papa Smurf next to it. I'm also particularly excited about the one featuring Smurfette next to the words, "I'm so pretty," even though Smurfette is a huge skank.

Exhibit B: I got in an argument with a friend this evening in which we tried to see who could best pwn the other with Star Trek references.

Exhibit C: I've just spent the last two hours trying to figure out how to make a lightsaber a reality. Now, apparently there are all these theories about plasma, but I dammit, I'm an English major, not a physicist! So here's my design:

You get a handle like from the movies and in it you put some nice colored lasers or something. Now when you want to turn on the lightsaber the lasers turn on and a pole with a mirror mounted on the end gets extended from the handle. This mirror and another mounted at the base reflect the light between them. I know it's not perfect, but according to my astronomy professor the two star dealio with Tatooine isn't possible, so I'm going to great lengths to make something from Star Wars a reality. Ok, so if we've engineered this correctly, the mirror and the lasers should make something resembling a lightsaber. Now the biggest challenge is getting it to kill people. I propose making the pole a) razor sharp and b) like an electric fence. So you can chop people in half a la Darth Maul (originally typed Mal... SOMEONE's been watching too much Firefly) AND kill people just by chopping at them with it. And you'd probably get that satisfying CHHHHH collision noise from the electricity. For the whooshing noises it makes when it swings we can just get whatever they put in the toy ones you buy nowadays.

Lightsabers are SO physically possible. (please don't explain to me the many flaws in this design -- I prefer to live in my own little world where I'm an expert in everything)

What do you mean this blog is outrageously self-indulgent? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?? Don't make me go through a broken transporter, causing me to be split into a good half and an evil half, and then unleash my evil half on you. I AM CAPTAIN KIIIIRK.

Yep. I am a huge, huge loser.